Arthur The Human
by Roxius
Summary: Arthur becomes a man, Kallen is retarded, Milly is Shirley's obese lover, Lelouch is gay, and Suzaku is the only normal one in this crazy mixed up world he's living in. Seriously, what the heck? Please R & R!


Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass.

A/N: What would Human! Arthur look like in the anime, anyway...?

And...this is AU, as Kallen is mentally retarded, and Lelouch is gay. And Milly is obese, and Shirley is her butch lover.

Basically, Suzaku is the only true sane one here...poor guy...

* * *

"Suzaku..."

Suzaku mumbled something under his breath, still asleep.

"Suzaku..."

Suzaku grunted, and rolled onto his side.

"SUZAKU!!!!"

Suzaku was awoken when a fist was pounded quite violently into his stomach. Sitting up in bed, he coughed violently, and shouted, "W...W...WHAT THE HELL WAS-"

He lost his train of thought when he realized a tall, naked young man with long black hair standing by his bedside, staring intensely at him.

"Uh...hello there..." Suzaku said weakly, forcing a tiny smile and waving.

"It's time for my breakfast," the man said, bowing slightly.

"I...I see..."

"Well? Will you feed me now?"

"...What would you like to eat...?"

"Tuna, meat, fish, meat, fish, tuna...basically those six things, if you would be so kind..."

Suzaku had no idea what the hell was going on. "Who...who are you?"

The man shrugged, and replied, "Well, I'm not too sure, but alot of you humans seem to call me 'Arthur'...it's kind of annoying, to tell the truth..."

'...ARTHUR?!' Suzaku thought, gasping. He felt nausea bubble up within his stomach.

"It's time for my breakfast," the man repeated with an emotionless gaze.

"W-Wait a moment!!!" Suzaku cried, unable to believe what might possibly be happening at this very moment, "Are you...are you Arthur?!"

"...That's what I just said," The man replied. Then, two cat ears popped out of the top of the man's head, and a tail whisked by from behind him.

'HOLY...EVEN THOUGH HE WAS ORIGINALLY A CAT, HE'S EVEN BIGGER _DOWN THERE_ THAN ME!!!'

All of the color drained from Suzaku's face, and he collapsed backwards, losing consciousness.

"AHH!! DON'T...DON'T GO BACK TO SLEEP!!! YOU HAVE TO FEED ME, DAMMIT!!!" The man screamed, shaking Suzaku as hard as he could...

* * *

_At the academy foodcourt..._

Lelouch shoved a spoonful of pudding into his mouth, and swallowed it very slowly as he thought over everything Suzaku and the very handsome black-haired man had just told him. Before meeting with Lelouch, Suzaku had given Arthur one of his spare school uniforms to wear.

Placing the now-empty pudding cup on the table, Lelouch leaned back in his seat, and tapped his fingers together for a few minutes. Then, he stood up, and headed off to the bathroom, still not a single word coming from his lips.

Suzaku and Arthur glanced at each other, and shrugged in bewilderment.

About 5 minutes later, Lelouch returned. He took his seat, wiped his hand with a napkin, and then said, "You gotta be fuckin' me."

"I HAVE TO FUCK YOU TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND?!!!" Suzaku shouted loudly; a bit too loudly, as several female students nearby glanced over and had massive nose bleeds, "LOOK, THIS GUY IS ARTHUR!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT...ARTHUR HAS TURNED INTO A HUMAN BEING!!!"

"I still want my breakfast..." Arthur muttered under his breath.

Lelouch peered closely at Arthur, and licked his lips. "Hmm...I bet he TASTES really good..."

"OH NO YOU DON'T!!! I WON'T LIKE YOU WARP HIS INNOCENT, CAT-LIKE MIND WITH YOUR PERVERSE GAY ACTS!!!!" Suzaku shouted, smacking Lelouch in the face with the cafeteria menu.

Lelouch sighed, and crossed his arms in disappointment. "Oh, you never let me have my fun!"

"That's right...I DON'T."

Neither of them had realized that Arthur had snuck off...

-----------------

Wandering around by the restrooms, Arthur thought, 'Maybe there's some food in here...'

However, due to his limited knowledge of human life, the cat-boy entered the girl's bathroom instead...and found something quite surprising.

A very large, overweight blonde girl was making out furiously with a orange-haired girl with a buzz-cut, and neither of them seemed to care who came in and saw them. The orange-haired girl let out a soft moan as she dug her fingers deep into her lover's flab, which could barely be contained within the school uniform.

He couldn't quite explain it, but for some reason, watching these two made Arthur feel quite tight in the crotch area of his pants.

'...I like it...'

The blonde girl suddenly caught sight of Arthur watching them. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE GIRL'S ROOM BEFORE I BLAST A CAP IN YO' ASS!!!!"

Arthur had no idea what that meant, but the fat girl's words were more than enough to scare him, so he dashed out of the bathroom and ran all the way back to his seat beside Suzaku.

"Ah! There you are! Where ya been, Arthur?" Suzaku asked cheerfully.

Arthur buried his face in his arms and let out a small whine. "I just wanna be a cat again..."

Both Suzaku and Lelouch looked up at one another. "???"

-----

"Deh heh heh...purty birdy..." Kallen chuckled to herself as she watched the blue-jay feed on a few seeds she had tossed on the grass.

"Be careful, Kallen," Cecil, her "keeper", warned her, "They can get violent...especially since I put special rage-inducing drugs in their bird-feed..."

"Hurr hurr hurr..." Kallen smiled widely as more and more birds surrounded her. Then, one of them thrust its beak right through her hand, causing blood to fly everywhere.

"GAAAAHHH!!! BIRDY, DON'T HURT ME!!! BIRDY!!! STOP, BIRDY!!! I LOVE ALL OF GOD'S CREATURES!!!"

Kallen rolled around in pain as the birds piled on her and began stabbing her with their beaks.

"WAAAAAHHHH!!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!! YOU...YOU MEAN BIRDIES!!!! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?!! I JUST WANTED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY AND FULL OF GOOD FOOD!!! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH..."

From the shadows, Cecil snickered to herself; she hated that damn retarded girl, after all...


End file.
